Greener

*Note: if you want a song to listen to while reading this post, I'd highly recommend "When" by Dodie Clark... It's on Spotify :]

Also, this post is one of the more personal ones I have written... It's just been something that's really been on my heart, and I hope it's an encouragement, as I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this...
~JE



"I had basically created a world for myself where all of my dreams came true with little to no sacrifice; a place where no one could tear me or those dreams apart... The problem is that... it wasn't real."

~Childhood~

As a kid I spent a good deal of time wrapped up in my own imagination... I read A LOT, and I created a treasure trove of my own fantastical stories about misunderstood and underestimated young heroines who would overcome tragedy, heartbreak, and loss and rise above everyone's expectations to do something inspiring... It was all very angsty, and I'm sure they're lying in a landfill somewhere along with my attempts at poetry:/ It's for the best really

But in addition to my forays into fiction, I spent hours daydreaming about my future self, the things she would accomplish, the people she'd meet, and the life she'd lead... I remember very distinctly standing in my shower, envisioning myself auditioning for American Idol, singing "Someone's Watching Over Me" from Raise Your Voice (starring Hilary Duff #classic) and the interview I'd have on Ellen after I was cast as Anastasia in the new Broadway musical (Anastasia actually came to Broadway this past year... My dream came true! except for the part about me being the lead:/ lol)

Of course, not all of my imaginings were so superficial... One of my favorites was picturing myself at TedTalk-like conferences, talking about the humanitarian work I'd done in some third world country and showing pictures of the 20 children I had adopted (basically I wanted to be Kisses from Katie)... All of my fantasies did, however, share two common characteristics: they were all about my personal success, and none of them were really grounded in reality; they were all loosely based on the accomplishments of someone else... 

This was something the Lord convicted me of several years ago, and sadly, it's something I had a difficult time letting go of... You see, as fake and self-centered as these daydreams were, they were safe... They didn't require a lot of creative thinking, as I mainly pulled from the ideas of someone else, and they didn't involve an exorbitant amount of risk because the protagonist of all of these stories was me... And we all know, in a good story, nothing perminantly terrible ever befalls the protagonist:)

I had basically created a world for myself where all of my dreams came true with little to no sacrifice... A place where no one could tear me or those dreams apart... The problem is that... It wasn't real.

And perhaps you're thinking, "Well you were a kid Jordan... Of course you daydreamed about your future," but the problem is that, eventually, I wasn't a kid anymore... But I still preferred the world in my head to the tangible one around me... It wasn't until I got to college that I realized creating these rose-colored, fairy-dusted versions of my future severely limited the plans God had for me, and, more importantly, they significantly undermined the things He had already done... 




"I suppose it's just a classic case of 'the grass is always greener on the other side'..."

~Young Adulting~

When I finally took my head out of the clouds, I began to recognize the Lord's evident provision and guidance through the brightest and darkest moments of my past, and I had faith that He had plans for my future that far surpassed my own... But when my vision stopped to rest on my present, it often seemed so insignificant, boring, monotonous, even despairing at times... And for the past four years I have really struggled with being content and happy where I currently am...

I would bet that the one thing I have prayed for the most over the past four years is for the Lord to grant me peace and contentment. And I know that He can and that He does, but it's still difficult... And do ya know what makes it even harder? It's something I'm pretty sure we all struggle with, a little thing called: comparison

I HATE comparison... I hate it so stinkin much... It ruins people's lives... It ruins perfectly lovely and talented and wonderful human beings' lives... And it's ruined parts of mine...

Being a young adult is hard enough as it is... I mean, there's no roadmap... There's no one to tell you if you should go to college or grad school or take a gap year to join the peace corp or pack up everything and move to LA or New York to "make your big break," or live with your parents and work.. Sure, there are plenty of people telling you things, but no one can definitively say what the exact best plan is for you. And that's where comparison comes in and plants its roots, because everyone "adults" differently... 

I was talking to my mom about this very topic last night... I told her that I thought that after I graduated college I'd finally feel like a grown up. I thought I would have my life together... But instead, I find myself envying my friends who are working and getting married and starting families... I convince myself that they've "done it right," and that I'm somehow behind because I'm still in "school" and will be until I'm 33... But then I remember countless conversations I've had with friends who ARE working right now and wish they COULD be in school... I suppose it's just a classic case of 'the grass is always greener on the other side'...

When I talk to those friends of mine who are wishing they were in a different phase of life, I always try to point out all of the positive things about where they are right now.. So I figured I'd try to do that for myself...

Right now I am a nearly 23 year old woman who has a bachelors degree in Biochemistry and who has just started her second semester of medical school to pursue a career in a field I adore... I have a wonderful family and friends who love and encourage me... I've been privileged to travel to other countries to see different parts of the world... I mean, heck, I live in a country where I have access to clean water, food, clothing, electricity, and where I am free... And I serve a God who loves me unconditionally and who has beautiful plans for my future and who is able to do so much more than I could ever want or even imagine (Ephesians 3:20)... 

I have NOTHING to complain about... I have absolutely NO RIGHT to wish for anything more than what I have been given...

And yet... I do... We all do... And sometimes, it's just all too much...




"The more time you waste living in some fantasy world or comparing your life to someone else's or fixating on the past, the more time you miss out on actually living..."

~What to Do~

One of my favorite Youtubers, Dodie Clark, made a video several years ago entitled "Growing Up," where she talked about reuniting with one of her best friends from high school. She recalled how they immediately delved into the past and relished in childhood memories and then suddenly zoomed back to the present only to realize that they were all grown up... He was attending university at Cambridge, and she's a "self-employed girl who does her taxes and lives in London," and though she didn't say that one's better than the other, she brought up a very interesting point about growing up... She said, "there's an idea that your younger selves are still living inside of you, judging everything that you do..."

I relate to that statement so much it hurts... There are so many times I look around at my life and wonder to myself, "What would six year old Jordan think of this? Is this what thirteen year old Jordan would have wanted? Would sixteen year old Jordan be proud of you right now?"... But the truth is that I am not six years old or thirteen or sixteen or any other version of me than the version I am right now... And it doesn't really matter what any of those other versions might think, because the only person who is affected by the me of today is the me of tomorrow, not the many "mes" of the past... 

I can't change the bad moments of my past and I can't relive the good ones... What I can do is live my life presently while being mindful of past mistakes & successes as well as the effect my current actions have on the future. I know... Easier said than done:/

I guess what I'm trying to say through this whole post is that, as I see it, there are three places where we can find ourselves stuck: inventing the you of the future, degrading the you of the present, or lamenting the you of the past... But the more time you waste living in some fantasy world or comparing your life to someone else's or fixating on the past, the more time you miss out on actually living... 

There are so many times where I just feel kind of numb to everything around me... I've tried explaining this to people before, and I think they all think I'm crazy now, but often times I feel as if I'm just watching my life pass by instead of being an active participant in it... I'm not sure what this is a quote from or if it applies in this situation, but "life is not a spectator sport!" 

The lyrics below are the ones from the Dodie Clark song I recommended at the beginning of this post, and I think they sum up the outlook I am so often tempted to have on life... But that doesn't mean that's the outlook I should or even want to have... In fact, it's not... Not at all... 

"Sure I'll live in the moment, but I'm never happy here...

 I'm surrounded by greener looking time. 
Am I the only one wishing life away? 
Never caught up in the moment, busy begging the past to stay... 

Memories painted in much brighter ink. 
They tell me I'm loved, teach me how to think.
I'm sick of faking diary entries.
Gotta get it through my head, I'll never be sixteen again.
I'm waiting to live and waiting to love... 
Oh it'll be over and I'll still be asking when."

I wish that I had better answers... I wish that I could give you the perfect formula for letting go of the past and adulting and trusting the Lord with your future... But I'm not there yet... And maybe none of us really "get there"... 

Every day is a new chance to make better choices... Choices to be proud of yourself, wherever you are... Choices to forgive yourself for your flaws and mistakes... Choices to find rest in the only One who can truly provide rest... Choices to relinquish control over your future and take life one step, one breath at a time... Choices to actually be present instead of living in distraction...

And what better time to start making these choices than the start of the New Year... It's a clean slate in a way isn't it?

Well best of luck to you, wherever you are in your walk of life! I hope you know that I think you are wonderful, and I'm sure you're killing it! If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading:)