2016

I apologize for any typos or unfinished thoughts in this post. I just typed things as they came to me, but I felt like writing at least a little something to commemorate the end of one year and the beginning of another. 2016 was a really interesting year. I’ve heard many people joking about how awful it has been, and while I wouldn’t say it’s been the worst year of my life (thanks 2010 and 2013), it certainly hasn’t been my favorite.

2016 brought me many new experiences and life-lessons. I experienced love and heartbreak for the first time. I learned that sometimes the decisions that you feel are best for you may truly hurt someone else, but ultimately you have to do what you know is right for you instead of trying to be what someone else needs you to be. I learned that there are some things about yourself that you just cannot change and some things that you shouldn’t have to compromise.

Building off of that, 2016 was I think (or at least I hope) the resolution in my battle with self-loathing and self-doubt. I finally saw myself consciously making decisions to love and respect who I am: my personality, appearance, intellectual ability, social skills, likes and dislikes etc. All things that I’ve been battling for years. I even made a YouTube video about it, which was a huge step for me, and I actually got to see that video speak to others suffering through similar situations, which was really neat! I am still not where I want to be in this area, but I can certainly see and appreciate how significantly far I have come.

2016 was certainly a year of revelation for me. And what I mean by revelation is that this year I have been reminded almost every day of the state of the world I live in. My heart has been broken over and over and over for the great suffering that exists all over our planet, but I am refusing to be discouraged. 2016 has shown me that there is so much work that needs to be done before Christ returns, and that there are an infinite number of ways that He could use me.

Building off of that, 2016 has really tested my faith. Relationships, mission trips, tests, applications, and interviews have all required one thing of me: that I trust He who can do innumerably more that I could ever imagine. I like to have control. I like to have a plan. I like things to go according to that plan. 2016 has shattered that in me, but it’s not a bad thing. I think that part of me needed to be broken, because there is no room for me or my plan or my self desires in God’s plan for my life. And whenever I surrendered my will to His plan, well let’s just say some pretty amazing things happened in 2016:) This is a lesson I am currently trying to implement now, as I wait for medical school letters and try unsuccessfully to map out the rest of my future.

I’m not sure if this will sound selfish or conceited; I certainly don’t mean for it too. But 2016 has also shown me that I have undeservedly been blessed with an amazing community of diverse, Jesus-loving people who love and support me, and I could not be more grateful for them. 2016 introduced some pretty spectacular people into my life whom I will forever be indebted too, but it also reminded me of the ones who have been with me from the beginning and who I know will be with me to the end. Everywhere I turned this year, even in my darkest moments, I found myself surrounded by a community of individuals who refused to let me fall or be down on myself. For someone who spent the majority of her life believing she was incapable of being loved, that’s a pretty amazing thing.

2016 reminded me that I am not perfect. I still have a long ways to go, and there are parts of me that I am still not proud of. But, ultimately, 2016 gave me hope. I have gone through seasons of life where everywhere I turned I only found discouragement. That was not the case this year. I certainly had many discouraging moments, but, instead, everywhere I turned I was bombarded with encouragement. I have learned this year that I am a runner. I never thought of myself as a runner, but when things get tough, I shut down. I close myself off from anything or anyone I think might hurt me, putting up an emotional barrier. But this year, for the first time, I have felt the Lord convicting me to tear down that barrier. I have felt Him and His love through other people reaching through that barrier, and I am currently in the process of allowing Him to pull me out.

College has been an emotional rollercoaster; that is for sure. And I will probably write another blog post about that six months from now when this journey is over (I’m getting pretty consistent with this blog post ever six months thing). But 2016 has actually been a pretty tame portion of the overall ride, and I am grateful for it!

I was planning on ending this post with some sort of statement about my hopes for 2017, but honestly I am simply praying that I am at peace with whatever the Lord allows to happen. I have spent so much of my life dreaming about what my life would look like, and so far none of it has played out exactly how I imagined. And you know what, honestly it’s been better than I could have imagined. And more importantly, it’s been everything God knew I needed, so I am simply looking forward to what He has next. So bring it on 2017. Here’s hoping to another year filled with God’s grace, mercy, and unexplainable, unconditional, undeserved love.

Blessings,

Jordan Spencer